The Vita Report

Another excellent retro game from Nicalis. VVVVVV evokes memories of weird, crappy old Apple games I’d play on my mom’s Apple IIc, but in a good way. Great, challenging gameplay mechanics and an awesome soundtrack. Very short though. Something like 2.5 hours to get 100% of the main campaign. Fun while it lasted though.

Bard’s Gold is another retro style roguelike. You have to make your way through 4 “worlds”, each with 6 stages, including a boss stage. There are varying difficulty settings, but on the standard one you can choose to skip to the next world after you’ve beaten the previous one, so you don’t have to replay the ENTIRE game if you die. You can also use the gems you find before you die to pay for permanent bonuses and power-ups. It’s pretty forgiving in that way, for this kind of game, but you’ll need the help, because there are a shitload of deadly traps and enemies waiting to surprise you at every step. Again, only real downside to this one was its length. Once you beat the 4th world there isn’t really any point to continuing. I guess you can keep grinding away so you can max out every single power-up if you really wanted to, but there’s nothing new to use any of it on after you’ve done it all once. Overall, good amount of content for just a few bucks though.

Nidhogg is…I guess, a speed-fencing game where you race to be eaten by a giant worm for some reason? It reminded me of a fast-paced version of old Karateka on Atari. You get endless respawns, but are racing against your opponent to reach the other side of the map first. It was decent, but really easy, and incredibly short. Not even an hour to finish the campaign. Eh *shrug*.

Mutant Mudds is a sort of 16-bit-looking shooting platformer where the enemies feel kind of like an aside to all the jumping and medallion and secret collecting. There are many levels, filled with many more secret levels, which open up even more and even tougher secret secret levels.

It also comes in a 2-pack with it’s sequel/expansion/whatever, Mutant Mudds Super Challenge, which is basically just more of the same, but even harder. It was pretty tough to get 100% in both of these. Not quite Super Meat Boy tough, but pretty up there. Anyway, fun games. Ton of content for the price.

This seems like such a great idea in theory, and for a short time it was pretty fun. Roguelike dungeon crawler where you have to move to the beat to properly engage enemies and keep your gold combo counter up. There are something like a dozen characters, but I beat it with one, unlocked every item along the way already, and tried starting it again with another character, but it just ended up feeling too repetitive after the first time. I don’t know. Maybe I’ll pick it up again someday, but I guess I never really do whenever I say that.

A very strange, mixed bag of a game. Lumo is a puzzler/platformer played from a weird perspective, kind of like that old NES game Solstice, or other old Amiga-ish games that I never really played back in the day. The perspective seemed slightly off sometimes, which made some of the platforming really frustrating, but it was generally charming enough that I kept pushing on through anyway. At least until I was almost done with the game, having collected every single little secret thing along the way, only to end up getting screwed on the biggest secret. You find these secret portals to this secret dimension with 6 different paths, each with it’s own letter, and each path takes you to a different little challenge zone with a timer, which then gives you the prize and kicks you out when you’re done. Anyway, I was doing one of these and trying to get up this weird spiral tower and thanks to the weird curved architecture, combined with the questionable perspective, I found myself magically unable to jump over a simple single block of spikes, something I’d done dozens of times before with no trouble. No matter what I tried, my guy just could not jump over this simple obstacle in this perspective and the time ran out, and SURPRISE, when the time runs out, you get kicked out and the area locks behind you. Congratulations, you just lost your chance to get all the secrets. Go start the whole game over and try again if you want 100%, fucking sucker! Fuck that. You can shove this bad game design up your ass, buddy! Deleted!

This Zelda clone wasn’t bad at all. There are a few little questionable design choices, like having to figure out that to get bombs, you need to knock over the bomb enemies, then hit them with the jake hand while holding a plastic bag, which then puts them into the plastic bag for you to pull out and use whenever, which is not at all something the game suggests that any of these items can do. You can slap bomb guys and throw them in bags, but when you try to do that with fairies, they just die…so I don’t know. Weird little flaws aside, it was a pretty solid old-timey Zelda adventure. It’s a little small for a Zelda-type game, having only 4 dungeons total, but the complexity of the puzzles was surprisingly high for being a cartoony Adventure Time game. Pretty fun for only $1.

and now I’m feeling like some old-timey top down GTA, which this game seems to do a pretty good job of so far. This one may take a while…

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