Ok, this is going to sound crazy, but hear me out…
Star Wars: The Phantom Menace (1999) “Anti-Cheese Edit”I haven’t seen this for 15 years or so. Not since a friend gave me his VHS copy in disgust, which I watched, and then ejected and smashed on the floor, never to be seen again. All the recent Star Wars mania got me thinking though. I had heard that there were edited versions of the prequel trilogies, but never bothered to check them out.
This one in particular has removed all the worst parts like every stupid unnecessary line or noise to come out of LITTLE ANNIE. Really, even his stupid screeching has been cut out. Jar Jar has also been almost entirely removed from the movie. They even gave him and his whole race a new alien voice with subtitles for the few times they still do have to say something, like all the other aliens, and cut out all their terrible spoken dialogue entirely. Also, all mention of midichlorians and other similar nonsense has been completely removed. It still has some awful acting and ridiculous plot points and I’d still call it the worst of all the Star Wars films, but in this state it’s at least semi-watchable. It’s still not great. I probably wouldn’t even go as far as to call it good, but it’s at least tolerable. It feels more like a standard children’s movie now instead of a movie for severely retarded children and really, it’s impressive that it could even be salvaged that much.
Star Wars: Attack of the Clones (2002) “Anti-Cheese Edit”Same deal here. Jar Jar cut out as much as humanly possibly. Awful dragging love scenes trimmed down some. This one is similar to its predecessor, in that it is bizarrely childishly written, but at least it has a lot more action and no more Little ANNIE. It’s decent after the editing, but still pretty silly pretty often. Wife seems oddly personally offended by CGI Yoda for some reason, but this one was actually decent for the most part.
Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith (2005) “Anti-cheese Edit”I’m not sure what was edited out of this one except the horrible Vader noooooo at the end. This is definitely still the best of the three, with the best action and effects and a much darker plot with very minimal amounts of silly shit. Don’t misunderstand me, these are still the weakest Star Wars movies around, but these edited versions are definitely more watchable than the sickening shit they used to be. Also of note in this one is the mentioning of Darth Plagueis, the mysterious master of the Palpatine, who Palpatine says had the rare dark side power of resurrection, but who he killed in his sleep to take his place. This would sure seem to support the popular Snoke is Plagueis theory, as he sure looks old and undead and has a huge wound on his head. People have also discovered from the novels that whoever Snoke is, he’s been around since before the clone wars days. Hmmm.
House of the Long Shadows (1983)Old timey horror comedy featuring Peter Cushing, Christopher Lee, and Vincent Price. Seemed like such a good idea, but seems to be oddly lacking in any comedy or horror. Just incredibly slow moving and unfunny. SNOOZER! Next…
Faust (2000)Based on the infamously hyper violent, x-rated comic of the same name and directed by Brian Yuzna, this is sure to be good stuff, right? It’s surprisingly true to the original comic most of the time really. David Quinn, the original creator actually wrote this screenplay too apparently. The super low budget, bad acting of the main character, and fucking awful soundtrack make it a bit hard to stomach at times, but it’s just so over the top with its extremity and goofiness that I couldn’t help but to kind of like it.
Attack the Block (2011)An interesting scifi/horror/comedy about aliens with glow in the dark teeth vs chavs. if you don’t know what that means you probably shouldn’t watch this (at least without subtitles…).