Now Playing: Interstellaria (2015)

THIS 1000 words is only worth this one picture.
THIS 1000 words is only worth this one picture.

Let this be a lesson to you…just because something looked cool on Kickstarter and you threw a few dollars at it, doesn’t mean it’s going to always turn out to be a great game.

I really wanted to like this game. It has a nice retro pixel art style to it, music by Chipzel, and seemed like it had the potential to be a nice little Star Control type game, so what could go wrong?

Hm. Typos in the intro sequence, that’s not a good sign.

Incredibly boring and empty feeling adventure mode tutorial? Ok, maybe it’ll get better when we’re in space?

In space, doing a tutorial of crew/ship station maintenance and combat. Game has decided to punish me for daring to be able to defeat the tutorial enemy before it was done telling me how to, so now I’m stuck in an empty combat screen and permanently unable to exit. Awesome. I open the menu to select New Game. Game crashes. AWESOME. SO MUCH FUN.

Start over again. I make it past the tutorial, get to the next tutorial about landing on a new planet, harvesting resources, and repairing a ship. I take off and make my way to the main base/space mall where I am supposed to receive missions and gear and really start the game. On the way, I get attacked. In a standard ship there are 3 main stations that need to be manned: tactical, navigation, and scanning. To be able to participate in combat properly you need all 3 to be manned. I only have 2 people and some flying robot that can’t operate or repair anything and doesn’t seem to actually have any use whatsoever besides getting in the way of trying to click on real, useful people. So what do I do? I have to have someone on tactical so the weapons will fire. I have to have someone on navigation or I can’t move to dodge enemy fire and asteroids. I guess I have to leave scanning empty, meaning I can’t see anything except a red blob where the enemy is. Can’t see anything around me, including incoming fire or obstacles. Can’t see the enemy’s health. I don’t know if my shots are even hitting him. This sucks. Ok, let’s try moving a guy off navigation onto scanner and putting all power from navigation into weapons and see if we can nail him quickly while he’s right up next to us. Sounds good! Got him! Oh wait, now there’s a hole in my hull, and even though I won the battle, my crew just got sucked into space before I could repair it. I lose. Awesome.

Let’s try this one more time. This time I make it past all of the previously mentioned parts. I get to the “space mall” and sell my junk. I don’t have enough money to buy anything except 1 more cheap crew member, so I do that, so all my stations will be manned at least. The main quest tells me to go to so and so planet next, to find some map, so I set off to do that. I get attacked once on the way by easy little guys and beat them with no problem, but then I get attacked again while still on the way to the same place by a ship that is way, way stronger than me. It has way more armor and unlike myself or anyone else I have faced so far, it also has shields. It also has way more weapons than I do. As far as I know, I can’t retreat? Maybe I can, but the game never bothered covering that so I guess I’m fighting this guy that heavily outclasses me on the way to my first mission? I dodge as many of his attacks as I can and slowly wear down his shields. There is another huge hole in my hull now. Again, there is no one free to deal with this except the useless fucking robot that cannot deal with it, so I have to pull someone off a vital station to fix it. After trying to get them to start repairing the damage and then relocating them again so I can try to click on the damage again about 5 times, the guy finally starts fixing the damn hole. He fixes the hole, but now everyone is probably heavily wounded from oxygen loss because it took so long for him to perform something that should have just taken one simple click. At least I’m assuming they are. You have to individually select each person to see what their health is and I really don’t have time to be stopping what anyone’s doing so they can heal up right now, so whatever. I continue with the battle and it looks like I might actually make it. My ship is a bit damaged, but there don’t appear to be any serious holes or fires and I’ve almost beaten the enemy, but suddenly my ship stops moving. I look back up to the inner ship view and my entire crew has disappeared. I mean, except for that fucking robot of course. Did they all die? What killed them? What the fuck happened? Still no holes or fires so I don’t understand how they could have all been killed. I didn’t see whatever happened and the game has no way of telling me after the fact. My ship sits there getting shot at by the enemy, still not dead, despite it having no crew. Who even is this person attacking me and why are they doing it? Who have ANY of the people attacking me been? They never say. Oh who cares? I’ve had enough of this game. $8 forever wasted. Oh well…

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